L’shana Tova to all the fellas and ladies out there. For all my goyim (non-Jews) out there, which is probably everyone, L’shana tova is what you say to all your homies from the Jew hood on Rosh Hashana. The Jew Year. Ya’ll probably don’t know, but the New Year lasts for about three days. We Jews like to party hard in the shul. My bubbe is probably cursing my name since I was such a bad PJW (potential Jewish wife) and did not make it to any holiday festivities. Hey, at least I noshed on some apples and honey, that has to count for something? All the old yentas at my bubbe’s dinner were all probably like oh that Lindsay, she has chutzpah for not coming tonight because she will be on the shit list for sure (Yes, my bubbe puts her grandchildren on what she calls her shit list, and Yeah I’ve been on it a multitude of occasions – However, not as much as one of my cousins has, he never learns). So, I thought I would get my tuches into gear and celebrate the New Year in the only style I know how (no, not by taping two bottles of Andre champagne to my hands and not removing them until they are empty), but my sharing my bucket list! What can I say? Lists are my crack.
The Ultimate, extreme, and really ridiculous Bucket List of one Ms. Lindsay:
1. Run the Boston Marathon in Pink Tutu and Pink sports bra. (For this to happen, two things need to be done: I need to learn how to run and I need to get my body in shape, so when I run by my potential NJH (nice Jewish Husband – don’t worry he is smart and sexy), he will be like damn, run to Tiffany’s, and then chase me down) – Don’t you love that I have all this already worked out in my head. It’s so going to happen.
Mmmm breakfast. Blueberry Gluten Free Pancakes. I have finally mastered the technique to making pancakes! Blueberries are messy though when you cook them. Afterwards I had blueberry stains everywhere on me.
2. Go topless at a topless beach in Spain and run from a bull in the Run of the Bulls (but not topless). Yeah, I just said it. Now everyone is probably scarred for life, but eh sometimes you gotta hit em where it hurts. I know I’m crazy, but you only live once and if I were to die tomorrow, at least I would know that I had a pretty epic life.
3. Road trip the 50 states, sampling the best food places in each state. Did I just rob the Food Network? I think I did. I mean if Guy Fieri wants to drive a nice shayna punim all over the US while being a fatty, I am so down. In my opinion I would make good television. Although look at Mary Beth, from NFNS, blogging experience combined with a tv show didn’t really turn out that well….
4. Pull off the ultimate prank. Okay, that is too complicated for me, but has anyone ever seen Mighty Ducks 2? Probably not, sequels usually tend to suck, but this is such a classic. My best friend and I wanted to steal their idea of the ants in the tube, and instead use…LADYBUGS. You know you are jealous you didn’t think of that? You learn the greatest things online, but you can buy thousands and thousands of ladybugs for really cheap online. One day we are going to do it.
It's out. I love to prank people. Freshman year during the rough winter, my best friend and I would prank the boys all the time. This night we toilet papered the entire boys wing. It looked like a white mass when we were finished. (yeah that's a guy helping too - def not gender loyal)
5. Make a PSA that is worldwide about arthritis and juvenile arthritis. Hell yeah. Arthritis is some serious shiz. It always gets brushed off as oh you can take over the counter stuff like aleve. Um no. Get educated and stop complaining to me about your boyfriend because I’m crippled for life. Wow, I may have just taken that a little too far.
6. Go to the best dance club in Atlanta where all the dankest dancers are, then (probably being the only white girl) bust a move. I think I can hang. I’m a pretty legit dancer or maybe my boyfriend just told me that because I was the token white girlfriend. Damn him. Now I will never know until that night when I go to the club and either everyone bursts out laughing or they are like this girl can move.
Side note: Yes, the randomness factor is kicking in. I can’t help it. I HAVE TO tell this story. One day I was going to Mike’s Pastry in Boston with a friend (MUST GO – being fat never tasted so good) and we were at the Red line subway station switching trains. A group of black girls walked by me, eyed me up and down for like 5 minutes, and then one of them turned to her friend and was like “Daaaaaamn, that is the freshest white girl I have ever seen”. I was on cloud nine. Probably BEST moment of my life.
Vermicelli bowl with shrimp. Mmmm discovering that I could eat rice noodles on a GF diet was the best discovery yet. This is from the greatest Vietnamese place in Austin: Tam's deli
7. Be on a tv show. Hell. Someone should give me my own freaking TV show. Maybe I should call up MTV or something? Now that this current season of Teen Mom is over, I think there may be an opening. I mean after the whole disaster of Farrah being a mother, MTV needs a new role model for the youth of America. Although they might not let me on air, since all I do is sit around and eat fruit in my underwear or use my arthritis as an excuse not to take out the trash, so I still have some loose ends I need to tie up with that one.
8. Write my own book. Still working on titles. Here are some good options that I have: How to survive a Jewish Grandmother, The year I lived in a Crazy House (no, not a mental house, an old piece of junk in Boston with 7 other people – yes, I could write a novel the size of Harry Potter about what I experienced there), What it’s like being the “blacker” One in an Interracial Couple, The Truth Behind What Jews Really Do In Shul…this list could go on and on, I’m definitely going to be the next JK Rowling or Shakespeare. Especially when my skills combine with my awful grammar. Success.
9. Be on David Tutera’s My Fair Wedding. Kind of #7, but not really. I want to have the dopest wedding, but I don’t want to pay the fees. Seeing as I have already planned out my wedding, David will just have to go along with what I say. I just out-Jewed so many Jews. I bet they never thought of this ultimate deal. Only problem is, I’m single, have no potential husbands, and you sort of have to have a tacky wedding to qualify and my wedding is awesome: PEACOCK theme. Yeah, I know your begging for an invitation.
Yeah, it looks like poop on a plate. And I ate it. It's meatless meat, onions, and mushrooms mixed together. Then placed on top of spaghetti squash and tomato sauce. It looks like poo, but it's a do. Did I mention that I rap?
10. Invent time travel or at least learn to apparate in my spare time. Really Harry? You won’t share your wand with me. That’s rude. I guess I’ll just have to go to Ollivanders, and then its on like Donkey Kong. Since for the first time in my life, I just realized HP isn’t real. Having a mini heart attack currently. I guess I’ll have to settle for inventing time travel. Def is going to come in handy for all the embarrassing things I do, mostly while intoxicated, but still I need to erase them. Sort of like the time in Spanish 1 when I was completely out of it and when the teacher called on me I said that I’m embarazada. Yeah, I received a bunch of congratulations and someone even asked if they could touch my stomach. Do I really look pregnant? Geee thanks, way to make a girl feel great about herself.
Hope ya’ll have an awesome weekend! I’m going to start on my grad research paper about Green Tea (yes, I am an undergrad, thanks for asking and then not telling me I signed up for a graduate level course). To start, I’m going to go have a cup of green tea. I definitely think that will provide at least one entire page of valid scientific research. A+ material right there.
What is something that is on your bucket list?
Any crazy/weird things on it?